the big decision

well, the decision is final.

some of you may (or may not) know that victor and i have been long discussing whether or not i should stay home with caleb full-time. since the end of august, i had been continuing my graduate studies in educational diagnostics at HBU. at the time, victor was still at home looking for an internship, so he was able to watch caleb while i was in class, studying, writing papers, etc. come november, victor was still looking for an internship, and the discussion of me staying at home was getting heated.

victor preferred that i stay home b/c he wanted us to be his primary caregivers. he insisted that even if my dad could watch caleb, it wouldn't be the same as having his mom around. i, on the other hand, felt like it would be such a shame to stop now. i had put so much time and money and effort into it... and i only had 4 classes and a practicum left before graduation. if i worked hard, i could finish by the summer. if i quit now, who knew when and if i would be able to go back and finish. and if i didn't, what a waste! plus, victor was still at home, and who knew how long it would take for him to find an internship. if he was home, he could watch caleb.

one saturday, after a meta team meeting, i was sharing some of our family's struggles with pastor ted. he asked me that day, "what if you went ahead and committed to staying at home full-time? would that free up victor to go out and look for an internship?" what? commit to staying at home before he got an internship? was he serious?

after weeks and weeks of going back and forth, i was finally deeply convicted by one of pastor ted's sermons. in the meta service, we've been going through a parable sermon series. that sunday, we examined the parable of the hidden treasure/pearl, where once it was found, the man went and sold all his possessions so that he could buy the land where the treasure was found and take hold of the treasure. then ted went into his own story where, in college, he changed his major from engineering to sociology because he knew that his calling was to go into full-time ministry... and how, during a family dinner, his aunt had said, "what a waste!" to his decision... but the treasure that he has found in doing God's work has been immeasureable.

victor and i talked that night. those words rang so loudly in my head, "what a waste!" but the sermon reminded me that it's not a waste to give up my degree plans to gain something greater. time with caleb can never be gained back. he certainly is a precious treasure to us, and raising him is, then, a God-appointed task. it's not that i think that there's anything wrong with working moms... not in the least. but for my situation, although being a diagnostician was interesting to me, and i was good at it, i'm not at a place yet where i can say that it's my life's passion. finishing the degree, to me, was important for a few reasons: 1) it would have been a "waste" not to, 2) i wanted that piece of paper that said i had my M.Ed., 3) i was afraid of what people would say if i quit (namely, my advisor, professors, parents...), 4) i wanted to be sure of future security, especially since victor still had not found a paid internship. in the end, i was convicted that these reasons were weak and faithless. if i truly believe in God's ultimate faithfulness and provision, why was i worried?

so that following tuesday, as i was taking my final exam, i decided that i would go up to the M.Ed. office and tell them that i was not going to enroll for the winter quarter. i figured that if i didn't go ahead and make the cut that day, i would continue to hum and haw over my decision, second-guessing myself. so i made the cut.

two days later, victor gets a call offering him a paid internship at Depelchin.

God teaches us about faith in some crazy, crazy ways.