Hilarious

i read the most hilarious article the other day. i mean, i was on the bed rolling with tears in my eyes, i thought it was so funny. but when i read it to victor, he didn't get it. i guess you have to have first hand experience to find it as funny as i did. (my apologies to those who find the humor crass...) here it is:

how to prepare for nursing (forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel." if you really want to feel ready to breastfeed, here's what to do.)

day 1: gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
day 2: at bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
day 3: draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "i feel pretty".
day 4: open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
day 5: fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. switch breasts.
day 6: obtain "do not cross" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. when your spouse asks about it, say, "get used to it."
day 7: tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
day 8: dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
day 9: record your mother proclaiming, "just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and he'll sleep right through the night." play in an endless loop at 1 am, 3 am, and 5 am.
day 10: slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.
day 11: go someplace public and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. lower shirt. feign nonchalant smile.
day 12: suckle a wolverine.
congratulations! you are now ready to nurse a baby. maybe.